Koi fish in my tiny little pond

This week has been rather funky, to say the least. My grandfather died on Wednesday so that's prompted a whole round of introspection. My relatives, being the vultures that they are, have managed to hit a very raw nerve with me. I'm hoping that Diana won't need to bail me out of jail for murder.

On a more philosophical note, I've been thinking of death lately. Not really the whole "What happens after you die?" sort of thoughts. Nothing quite that esoteric. It's more like "Is my life worth anything while I'm here on earth?". Do I affect people in the same way they affect me? If not, what can I do to change that, if anything? A recent conversation with a friend left me surprised and somewhat hurt by the discovery of things I did not know, mostly because how I view myself is apparently not how others see me; the conversation showed me that's not always a good thing. It left me moody and concerned (not an uncommon state for me, as others who know me fairly well can attest). Even a couple of long walks and a rather hilarious game of tennis couldn't push these things out of my mind. I haven't been sleeping well...I don't think I've slept more than a few hours a night since Wednesday which is bad. My head feels like it's packed with wool so actually using my brain is out of the question.

On another morbid note, my mother and my aunt are busily taking PICTURES *shudder* of my grandfather's mortal remains. My poor grandpa...he must be appalled as hell to know his children are taking Polaroids of him in his Sunday best. What a fucking way to be remembered! My aunts and uncles flocked to his nursing home dwelling and immediately attempted to dole out his belongings amongst themselves. Thankfully, mother firmly put her foot down and threw out those pathetic syncophants. Ugh! I knew there was a reason I so totally loathe my family members. It's sad that people run so true to form.

I'm stopping now before I really get very bitter. Meh.

One of the questions in that silly survey I answered got me to thinking. Eventually, a weird dream
came of those thoughts....so in the wee hours of the morning, I got up to write this:

Huginn and Muninn (Thought & Memory)

In my thoughts....
Walking side by side, we make our way down
to the Japanese Gardens in the park that
you know I love so much
With each step planted in the new-fallen snow
our boots crunch loudly in the frozen quiet.

Everything seems so picture perfect
even the unearthly glow of frost crystals
that Nature's loving brush painted on the trees
and park benches.

We settle on a stone seat nearest to the water's edge
so the canvas of infinity would be laid open before us
unobstructed
unsullied by humanity

You surprise me by taking my hands in yours
and sticking them into one of your large coat pockets.

"It's really cold out here," you murmur in response to my
raised eyebrow. Blushing slightly, you turn your head towards
the first rays of light. "Look."

Icy tears slide down my cheeks as the canvas fills
with hues of red, gold, blue.
Gossamer strands overlay the deepening colours.

"Perfect," I say, the word nearly caught behind
cracked, bleeding lips.

"I wanted to show you...you know, find the best time,"
you whisper, "Since it's your last."

We say nothing for a long while; just enjoying the stillness
and each other's company. You squeeze my hands tightly
with one of your own, using the other to tug your hood
down low over your face. I know you hate for others to
see you cry.

"It's the best gift I've ever had."

In my memory
Later, as the breath of life
slowly drains from my body
I realised that it was true.

I watched a woman die today....felt her life dissolve in the palms of my hands as she held on, gripping them reflexively in her pain. I cried like a fool, a fool who thought of life, the world, as dark words on a frail page. Words that had weight beyond measure; more meaning and substance than my dull existence. Her blood slithered down the the front seats made hot and sticky by the summer sun. Precious quicksilver flowed from her body onto the oily grass beneath. I sat vigil with her in the twisted, ruined hulk of her car...watched as the brightness in her eyes turned to shadows, then darkness. My body trembled so violently that I thought my skin had become milk, soft and quavering. I breathed in her final sighs, took them into my body without knowing and my soul clenched in overwhelming sadness. I watched a woman die today and thought,

In all the days
With every breath
Your love comes to me
Winged and unfettered
I am free and heaven-bound

I turned to the paramedic kneeling beside me; her hand as light as breath on my shoulder. She was speaking to me but her words were caught in the slow, sacred movement of time. Her eyes glowed, glistened in the twilight as she gently closed the woman's unseeing ones. Her gaze met mine and she whispered "There, but for the grace of God, go we."